Welcome!

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello @queerhearted, @rosesarered and @barelycoping,

Welcome to the Forum and we hope you find it useful to read other peoples posts and perhaps share your own stories, if you feel you would like to. There are some good conversations going in Is it abuse? or Recovery after abuse.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

A big welcome to @carcino_boy, thank you for joining us here! Feel free to tell us more about yourself or perhaps visit one of the other threads to share what brought you here, or just have a read of what other community members have shared.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Good morning @terranaut! Really good to have you here and we hope you find the forum useful and feel able to join in the conversations and if you want to talk about your story, you are welcome to. This is an anonymous, safe space to meet other LGBT+ survivors of domestic abuse.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello @grootgroot – welcome to the forum. It’s great to see you here. Feel free to have a read of the experiences of other survivors, and to talk a little bit about your own if you would like to. Or just say hi!

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hi there @Imperium. Thank you for joining us here! We’d love to hear more about you, and you’re also very welcome to have a read of what other survivors have said. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hi @GNT2 and @Solomendogstar,

Thanks for joining us 🙂 There are a lot of stories from survivors across the UK who have experienced LGBT+ domestic abuse. We hope reading them will help you make sense of your own experiences. We also welcome you to join in the discussions and add your own stories http://www.galop.org.uk/lgbt-survivors/forums/forum/share-your-story/ here or join in the threads.

Wishing you all the best,

The Helpline Team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello @LP167,

Thanks for joining us and i hope you get something benefical from using the forum.

The Helpline team.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello @CT2021 and @Dizzyme,

Thank you for registering with Galop’s LGBT+ domestic abuse survivors forum. We hope it helps you to read and contribute to the discussions here 🙂 If you have any questions about domestic abuse you can put them to the community and also the helpline team, we are here to help people get through domestic abuse.

The helpline team

[Mrs. Mesmer]

Hi, Thanks for the welcome. Did I really sign up back in March? I’d say time flies when you’re having fun but I’m not.

I’m terrible with passwords and don’t want anyone to be able to log into my account just by clicking so I’ve gone round in circles a bit the last few days but I’m glad to finally be able to post.

I’m having a rough time and I’m thoroughly confused about whether, and how, I should leave. I’ll post about that in the right place when I can but for now, it’s just a relief to be somewhere where I can let my guard down a little. I’m coming to terms with being trans and have – if I can get away from the house – an assessment this week for referral to a gender ID clinic. It’s been long and difficult to get to this point, and the more the me inside is let out, the harder it is to put her back in her box until next time. It really hurts.

I live with someone who’s also gender nonconforming but f2m and who denies my gender. So I’m doing all the exploration in secret. She – she’s still using ‘she’ at the moment – denies my gender. She says it’s just a kink. Which is kind of my fault because when we met, 20+ yrs ago, I reassured her that I didn’t want to transition; which was a lie but I thought I’d lose her if I told the truth. When she’s being nasty, I make her ‘sick’. Where we were before we came here, she used to go down the pub and tell all the blokes I’m gay because ‘I want to be the woman’. I’ve never been attracted to men and I really, really don’t like men’s bits (sorry chaps). The only vaguelly sexual contact I’ve ever had with men was non-consensual.

Anyway. She has a stack of mental health problems that I won’t name but they sometimes (when does it become often?) drive really abusive behaviour. And sometimes there’s abusiveness that seems unrelated to those problems. For a long time I thought I had to put up with it because the support sites for those problems tell family and friends that it can be scary but never say ‘and sometimes you may need to get out for your own safety’.

But today I’m just really sad. It’s three years this weekend since I started a new job that got us out of a toxic situation and offered the hope of healing. But Covid messed it all up and since the summer (? I can’t remember) the mental health stuff has ramped up again. When you marry, you promise ‘in sickness and in health’ but even when the sickness puts you at risk? Let alone the sheer nastiness of what she becomes like.

I’ve lately managed to plug into various support things, have a DV case worker, should be getting counselling soon and have some friends who know everything. I use the Hollie Guard app (or try to but it keeps re-opening when I close it which seems really dangerous) and send myself recordings when things are bad. But the bottom line is. Everything hurts. And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave. And she scares me. When she’s desperate, there’s no guessing how far she’ll go to cause hurt; and she’ll be desperate if either I’m diagnosed with gender dysphoria or I tell her it’s over. I’m safe right now. And I know I’ll be feel able to walk out if it gets really bad again because I’ve drawn a mental line in the sand. But it’s so much more difficult to think about that when things are relatively normal.

That was supposed to be a short ‘hello’. Sorry! I have very limited opportunities to talk about so when I get a chance, it kind of gushes!

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hi there,

Thank you for your email and welcome to the Forum. From what you describe it sounds like a confusing time for you and that you have complicated feelings towards your partner which are mixed between recognising what you experience as not OK or part of a supportive, caring relationship and also feeling like you can cope when things are ‘normal.’ Domestic abuse is about patterns of behaviour and within this pattern there can be periods of normalness’ ( often common after an incident of abuse). At the helpline we encourage people to think about on a scale of 1-10 how frightened do you feel of your partner? What are you frightened will happen? Do you feel you are walking on egg shells? The answers to these questions will help indicate what is happening in the relationship and the severity and impact of the harmful behaviours on you.

You talk about coming to terms with being trans and having to do this in secrecy. It sounds very challenging to navigate this without openness and support from your partner, which is what we would hope for in a healthy, communicative and supportive relationship. Secrecy for some can so often link to feelings of shame and discomfort in ourselves. However it is also the safest thing to do and is a way to cope with possible violence and abuse too.

It sounds like COVID has magnified the situation, but the situation was already happening before COVID. We have heard this a lot through speaking with people on the helpline. For some COVID has brought things to a tipping point and going on as things were no longer feels like a viable option.

You also have been so resourceful and reached out to places of support and assistance which is a great step in helping you move forward in this situation. It is great to hear you have got some counselling lined up, from what you have outlined we would encourage you considering if it is possible for you to make contact with a therapist who is trans or actively trans inclusive and understands domestic abuse. Usually these therapists are private but if it is affordable it may a helpful option for you. http://www.pinktherapy.com/ is a directory of therapists who work with LGBT+ people. You may also like to call the helpline 0800 999 5428 and we may have some further suggestions about therapists on Tuesday afternoons we have a Trans specific service but you are welcome to make contact anytime.

Thank you for post and sharing with the Forum community what going on for you,

The Helpline Team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Welcome to @seahorse85! We do hope you find the forum useful to you and can join in discussuions and share when you feel you want to 🙂

The Helpine Team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

A big, warm hello to @Youwillbefound 🙂 It is great you have found the forum and have joined the people writing in it and reading it. A recently joined member has just posted in the thread, is it abuse or is it me? Perhaps this is a good place to start 🙂

The helpline team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

A big, warm hello to @Youwillbefound 🙂 It is great you have found the forum and have joined the people writing in it and reading it. A recently joined member has just posted in the thread, is it abuse or is it me? Perhaps this is a good place to start 🙂

The helpline team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

A big, warm hello to @Youwillbefound 🙂 It is great you have found the forum and have joined the people writing in it and reading it. A recently joined member has just posted in the thread, is it abuse or is it me? Perhaps this is a good place to start 🙂

The helpline team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello to @Confused and @Password@123, Good to have you join the forum! We are gaining in numbers and we know that alot of people are reading the posts as well as joining the community, which means whatever people contribute is able to help alot more people than registered users. 🙂

@Seahorse has recently posted in Reply To: Is it abuse or is it me? which you might want to read or join the discussion. Or you could start getting the conversation going in Share your story if this feels like something that would be helpful to you. Otherwise have a look around and we hope peoples experiences help you in your situations.

Warm regards,

The Helpline

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