How I was feeling a few days ago

[Fareham85]

It’s a difficult place to be in for so many, but sometimes abuse hurts us in different ways, it may be emotional, physical or sexual, but when the abuser stops each time which may be a few hours, days or less. The pain seems to stop. Things feel better and back to normal the moment the abuse stops and your talking again and it’s easy to carry on. It may start again and you feel again hurt at the time. But it stops again soon after. People tell you to leave but there is still love there you feel. We learn to cope with the pattern as we know we feel bad now but not for to long. When you leave the abuser the pain and suffering you feel, the grief of loosing a loved one for good is so much more, it last for a long time and it comes when you do not expect it! There is no warning and things seem so far out of control we feel lost and do not know what to do! I feel lost and do not know what to do. I have struggled for months before after a previous break up. The abuse that only lasts a few hours a week now don’t seem to bad for at least a little bit of happiness and feeling of normality. And the sad feeling and feeling lost at least will be gone. Being with that person I will be happy right now! It will be fine. In the past we got back together and feel instantly happier. But then it happens again and again.

If you have not been in the situation of being with an abuser it’s very hard to know the feelings. I know what the right thing to do is, if the shoe was on the other foot of course I would tell anyone to leave. But when you feel the depths of pain of loosing someone for good compared to a few hours a week it just does not feel worth so much pain and suffering instead of a little here and there. I’ve already forgiven them anyway. This is why I have been stuck and this is what I am battling right now as I type this message. I am hoping I really have the strength to stay strong this time. As the abuse is only a little each week that don’t feel as bad as this, but what I don’t see, but know, the abuse has ruined me as a person, it has hurt me deeper than I realise right now, once I am on my feet I will see that and I will become a strong person.

I am reaching out to others in my shoes! Trust me together we can all do the right thing! I am out of it for just over a week, I have started to nearly slip and before I started typing this I was feeling rubbish. But now I have again found me. Share your strength please let’s all support each other. But please the worst thing is pressure. No pressure on anyone of us. We need to be the ones in control it’s the only way that will help us get up on our own. We need to feel we have some control, the abuse has already put pressure of different kinds on us and pressure from others now feels the same as the abuser, sorry to say it like that but I want people to know what I am feeling, how I feel and give an idea why I am stuck.

I want to add one more thing. People that support us are amazing people but from my feelings, it’s easy for everyone to hate the abuser and by doing so you feel you are supporting us, but the abusers are people we love or have loved, then (when they are criticized) we feel for the person when we hear bad words about them. It’s difficult anyone hearing bad things about people they love, it’s the same the person is bad which then usually means we are even more sensitive to horrible things as we have to work even harder to try and make others think they are a nice person. You telling me they are bad and why would I go back, well this  feels like a failure on my part, which sets me back down even further, it’s not that I don’t know this and I really do appreciate the care people have, but this is needed once we have broken away and had time to heal. Then we can hear the bad words, well I am thinking that’s when I will be ready to. It’s difficult but we really do hold a lot of the abusers behaviours accountable to ourselves, this means any bad words you are saying to try make us see sense we just feel even more responsible for. This is the trap I think why so many of us go back again and again, all we end up seeing is everyone is then as bad with the pressure and comments.

Please support us as we need you but the best thing, I think listen, minimal instructions but ask us what we can do or feel we are able. I may just be talking rubbish but this is how I feel right now and think I have got stuff out their. Our loved ones supporting don’t mean to cause us pain as it’s all support, for myself, when the defence and protection comes in, when bad things are said about the abuser, it makes me feel I still love them. This is a long message and my head space is up and down as I type but now to share. Oh and as I have gone back and added more I actually feel so much better right now.

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello Fareham85,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with the community. A lot of people view this forum and can often gain strength and insight from those people who share their stories.

At the beginning of your story you share what sounds how you have learnt to cope with the abuse and the suffering caused by the abuse for the trade off of some happiness with your partner. I hear you and this is something that gets talked about a lot with people who call the helpline. I wonder if you are familiar with the idea of the cycle of abuse? Which is the thinking that the ‘good times’ are part of the pattern of abuse – that there is an outburst, which is then followed by some making up, then a period of ‘happiness’ or calm, tension starts to build again and then another outburst. Some people talk to us about trying to get the happiness to last or the person who they started the relationship to come back. But unfortunately without a real desire from the person using harmful behaviours the pattern of outburst, make up, happiness will continue.

One way people who have partners who harm them use to cope with the abuse is to minimise the harm – while in the relationship this helps to protect the person experiencing the abuse to carry on. Like you say, it is not until you are away from the abuse, perhaps for sometime, that you can start to look at the extent of the emotional and practical pain caused by the abuse. At this point it can be worth seeking out a therapist or a peer to peer support group to help with this. The helpline can help you with this. You talk about feeling lost and grief when you do find the strength to move away from the person abusing you, which sounds real and difficult.

You make such a good point about well meaning friends and family unintentionally adding pressure and actually you need to be in control of your journey otherwise those trying to help you accidentally start to sound to you like the abuser. At Galop we hear a lot from friends and family wanting to help and we always suggest they read this guide about how to best support your friends and family.

You mention how their negative, or as you say ‘bad’ comments about your partner, which often come from a place of care and love, can unfortunately contribute to you feeling like a failure as you talked about feeling responsible for your partner, and then perhaps relationship as a whole. In case it is interesting for you to know a tactic abusive partners will use is to make the non-abusive partner feel responsible for the whole relationship. We hear this a lot and you are not alone with this feeling or experience.

It sounds like you sometimes feel like you need to protect the person abusing you from the comments of those who care about you. This is a difficult position to be in and you’re not alone with this. Often people who are living with domestic abuse come to feel like they need to protect and care for the abuser because other people don’t understand them.

Really good to hear typing this post has helped make you feel better  Post as much as you like. The forum is here for you. You’ve done so much to balance and cope with what sounds like a very difficult situation. Bravo.

Warm wishes,

The Helpline Team

[Domestic Abuse Helpline Team]

Hello Fareham85,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with the community. A lot of people view this forum and can often gain strength and insight from those people who share their stories.

At the beginning of your story you share what sounds how you have learnt to cope with the abuse and the suffering caused by the abuse for the trade off of some happiness with your partner. I hear you and this is something that gets talked about a lot with people who call the helpline. I wonder if you are familiar with the idea of the cycle of abuse? Which is the thinking that the ‘good times’ are part of the pattern of abuse – that there is an outburst, which is then followed by some making up, then a period of ‘happiness’ or calm, tension starts to build again and then another outburst. Some people talk to us about trying to get the happiness to last or the person who they started the relationship to come back. But unfortunately without a real desire from the person using harmful behaviours the pattern of outburst, make up, happiness will continue.

One way people who have partners who harm them use to cope with the abuse is to minimise the harm – while in the relationship this helps to protect the person experiencing the abuse to carry on. Like you say, it is not until you are away from the abuse, perhaps for sometime, that you can start to look at the extent of the emotional and practical pain caused by the abuse. At this point it can be worth seeking out a therapist or a peer to peer support group to help with this. The helpline can help you with this. You talk about feeling lost and grief when you do find the strength to move away from the person abusing you, which sounds real and difficult.

You make such a good point about well meaning friends and family unintentionally adding pressure and actually you need to be in control of your journey otherwise those trying to help you accidentally start to sound to you like the abuser. At Galop we hear a lot from friends and family wanting to help and we always suggest they read this guide about how to best support your friends and family.

You mention how their negative, or as you say ‘bad’ comments about your partner, which often come from a place of care and love, can unfortunately contribute to you feeling like a failure as you talked about feeling responsible for your partner, and then perhaps relationship as a whole. In case it is interesting for you to know a tactic abusive partners will use is to make the non-abusive partner feel responsible for the whole relationship. We hear this a lot and you are not alone with this feeling or experience.

It sounds like you sometimes feel like you need to protect the person abusing you from the comments of those who care about you. This is a difficult position to be in and you’re not alone with this. Often people who are living with domestic abuse come to feel like they need to protect and care for the abuser because other people don’t understand them.

Really good to hear typing this post has helped make you feel better  Post as much as you like. The forum is here for you. You’ve done so much to balance and cope with what sounds like a very difficult situation. Bravo.

Warm wishes,

The Helpline Team

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Domestic Abuse Helpline Team.

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