Thank you for your post.
You have named some violence attacks on you and behaviour we would recognise as domestic abuse, when they sit within a pattern of behaviours that work to control you and reduce your agency and equality in the relationship. We also recognise that sometimes a person will act violently when they have felt like they are defending themselves and there has been no other option. We would suggest this is unpicked further with a domestic abuse specialist worker to help you make sense of this.
Many people feel a deep sense of responsibility for their partners well being, especially if there partner has on going mental health issues which can sometimes be understood to be the cause of the harmful behaviours. Mental health issues can ‘flare up’ especially when there are new stresses coming into the relationship, however they are not the root cause of domestic abuse, the root cause of domestic abuse is about having control and power in the relationship and making the relationship serve the abusive partner.
You talked about feeling shame about being trans, trying to remain invisible and the worry of the harm that could be caused to you if you were outed by your partner. This sounds very stressful for you and a heavy weight to carry alone. There are some organisations which could support you in exploring and talking about your identity.
1) Gender Trust National Helpline: For more information on Trans* issues – 01527 894838.
2) MindLine Trans Helpline nationwide: 0300 330 5468 Mondays + Fridays, 8pm – midnight
3) MindLine Trans+ is an mental health emotional support helpline and signposting service for people who identify as Trans, A Gender, Gender Fluid, Non-binary.
We do hope this helps you and we suggest you make contact with a domestic abuse team to explore the situation fully.
The Helpline Team