Thank you for your email and welcome to the Forum. From what you describe it sounds like a confusing time for you and that you have complicated feelings towards your partner which are mixed between recognising what you experience as not OK or part of a supportive, caring relationship and also feeling like you can cope when things are ‘normal.’ Domestic abuse is about patterns of behaviour and within this pattern there can be periods of normalness’ ( often common after an incident of abuse). At the helpline we encourage people to think about on a scale of 1-10 how frightened do you feel of your partner? What are you frightened will happen? Do you feel you are walking on egg shells? The answers to these questions will help indicate what is happening in the relationship and the severity and impact of the harmful behaviours on you.
You talk about coming to terms with being trans and having to do this in secrecy. It sounds very challenging to navigate this without openness and support from your partner, which is what we would hope for in a healthy, communicative and supportive relationship. Secrecy for some can so often link to feelings of shame and discomfort in ourselves. However it is also the safest thing to do and is a way to cope with possible violence and abuse too.
It sounds like COVID has magnified the situation, but the situation was already happening before COVID. We have heard this a lot through speaking with people on the helpline. For some COVID has brought things to a tipping point and going on as things were no longer feels like a viable option.
You also have been so resourceful and reached out to places of support and assistance which is a great step in helping you move forward in this situation. It is great to hear you have got some counselling lined up, from what you have outlined we would encourage you considering if it is possible for you to make contact with a therapist who is trans or actively trans inclusive and understands domestic abuse. Usually these therapists are private but if it is affordable it may a helpful option for you. http://www.pinktherapy.com/ is a directory of therapists who work with LGBT+ people. You may also like to call the helpline 0800 999 5428 and we may have some further suggestions about therapists on Tuesday afternoons we have a Trans specific service but you are welcome to make contact anytime.
Thank you for post and sharing with the Forum community what going on for you,
The Helpline Team