Exit site Click here, or press the ‘esc’ key to exit this site quickly

National Helpline for LGBT+ Victims and Survivors of Abuse and Violence0800 999 5428

Email help@galop.org.uk

Home Forums Looking for support? ‘Is it abuse?’ Will he change? Reply To: Will he change?



You’re describing my ex. It was exactly like this between me and him – I really wanted to help him because if I’m honest, I felt sorry for him, but in the end there was nothing I could do to help him. He had to want to change. It’s hard to hear, but you cant make it happen, until that point he will keep doing what he’s doing – taking drugs, taking from you and making your life as you say, ‘a living hell.’ I mean why would he change, when you’re providing for him? It took me too long, years, to realise he was not my responsibility and I actually wasn’t doing him or me any favours in staying with him. If he wants to change there are places like London Friend which can help, but to be honest he needs to get in contact with them and do this work, you can’t do it for him. Believe me, I tried.

I was with my ex for 8 years, nearly all of them were full of pain. It sounds like you’ve been with your partner for about a year, get out while you can and don’t waste your time like I did.

I also didn’t want my family and friends to know what was going either – I’ve had enough ‘looking down’ on my relationships through my life because I’m gay and I just couldn’t face adding to it. But in hindsight, I could have done with telling a couple of friends as I needed the support. It was too much going through all of this and going through it alone. It just made it harder. When I did tell a few people they were actually great.

If he does get violent or act like he’s going to hurt you, you’ve got a right to call the police. It might shake him up and make him realise that what he is doing is totally wrong. But you will know him the best and how he might react. I spoke with Galop and they helped me get out of the relationship, I needed help and I needed help that ‘got’ gay relationships, I couldn’t do it on my own. You could do that too. It wouldn’t do you any harm to have a chat with them, they were great with me.

I totally get what a difficult time this is. You’ve reached out and that’s a start.