Reply To: Is it abuse or is it me?

[Still-I-Rise]

Hi Everyone, I’m so glad there’s a place like this to talk and seek advice. I wish I had sought this out during my abusive relationship 5 years ago. I had just come out, this was my first rship and everything was all new to me.

I was in a relationship for 2 yrs yet for almost 1½ of that time was abusive. We dated for 7 months before moving in together but I let her know about my immigration status prior. I was in denial at first and each time I though things would get better, it got worse with control, manipulation, blackmail and torment. Individuation and humiliation amongst out friends, comments about my looks, weight, not being good at this or that and threats to call the home office because of my immigration status and was unfaithful. I felt trapped and alienated myself from my friends. She constantly brought up my immigration issue stating that I was derailing her and kept her from doing things she loved and I used to blame myself all the time. She never understood why I didn’t come out to my family despite my African culture being so anti-gay. It’s true we sometimes fall hard for the wrong people. I felt mentally drained and emotionally imbalanced and went into a mental breakdown and depression. I reached a low, no self esteem and lost my confidence and every time I decided to break it off, she would threaten me with calling the home office. This continued even after we went separate ways because I refused to remain friends with her until a dear friend told her to stop at once. I didn’t tell my friends about my ordeal until I walked away from this rship. She later apologized but it was too late.

This affected my trust and rships with my friends too and when I met someone new, all I could think of was my previous ordeal. It affected me so much that I built walls of self protection and was not letting her into my life. It’s when I started processing my immigration paperwork that talking about it all over again and the past trauma from my childhood made me realise I’m bottling up so much and needed counselling which has been so helpful.

It’s had to forget but I have tried to rid myself of any bad feelings or remain bitter so I can heal. Forgiveness is a process and I’m still on that journey.

I know when outsiders say you can just pack up and leave. It’s not easy, it takes great mental and emotional strength to be able to do so. I gathered that one morning and told myself ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You can too; seek help even from close friends or your family. Sending you strength and hugs. Stay safe. Xx ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜