Reply To: Is it abuse or is it me?

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@bishbashbosh
Thank you bishbashbosh. You know I find (even now I know what is going on) it hard when things are going well and she’s behaving ‘normal’ and is loving and caring, to think about splitting up and letting her down. She is very dependent on me and it feels like she generally needs me. I don’t think she would expect me to ever leave her. I keep telling myself that one day I need to leave her for my own health but in good times I get this overwhelming feeling that I can’t leave her and to see her so upset.
Even after an argument if she comes to me and we make up, I tend to immediately almost forget the argument when she hugs me and feel relieved that everything is back to normal. Like it never happened and often feel it is me as well. But I think my girlfriend is just really good at bending the facts and causes of the argument. Making me look like the bad one. Using words like “you stupid little [edited by moderator]”, “stop screaming” is a favourite of her when I disagree with her in a calm manner. But the idea of living alone without many friends left and having to move out of our nice flat and end up somewhere miserable is very hard right now. I love it when she is at work and I’m home alone but sometimes I feel kind of lost and waiting for her to come home because I’m so used to everything being about her and her telling me what to do.

I read somewhere that abusers are not 24/7 abusive and there can often be long periods of relative good times. That reminded me of the first lockdown when yes it was hard but after a little while we really got on. I first dreaded having to stay in with her but we got really close and supportive of each other. I now think this is because she was in full control over me, me with her all the time. Me giving her all the attention she wants. Although as soon as we went outside, she had to be in control again and decided the walking route (often the same boring and too short route) I wasn’t allowed to go for a walk on my own or go to the supermarket alone. Exercising at home was reacted to with a big sigh and constantly interrupted. Those things were really hard.

My partner never really listens to what I have to say. But I have to listen to her all the time. And most importantly look at her when speaking and drop everything I’m doing. She will constantly ask me questions. But really listening, never. There’s never a nice good old chit chat, a dialogue. She’ll always talk over me when I’m taking.

Bishbashbosh it’s funny what you say about your partner talking about others being abusive. My partner does similar things. Like “I could never hit you” “I have never layed a hand on you” “if that would happen to me I would leave straight away, would you?” Talking about abuse more than I would. Mostly talking about others. Sometimes even joking about it when being annoying or bullying me (what she calls joking around).
Almost as if she is trying to talk herself out of her behaviour. Telling herself what she does is OK because it’s not as bad as what other people do. When I get too upset she will just say OK ok I won’t do it again I promise, friends? Until she does it again.
One day there was something on TV about abuse and when they mentioned things that could be a sign of abuse then at one thing she giggled and said oh I always do that to you hahaha. I replied ‘YES YOU DO and it is not nice, you wouldn’t like it if I did that to you.’ She replied something down the lines of ‘oh come on, I’m not abusing you, I’m just telling you this and that. So now you think I abuse you, pffft’.
Then I was laughing, now I think I would cry.