Reply To: Is it abuse or is it me?

[Strong]

Hello to everyone I’m new on the forum.

@bishbashbosh
First of all I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
Your story sounds identical to my situation. When I was reading your story it was like a mirror held in front of my own relationship. I recognised everything that you described. It is all happening in my relationship to.

Until recently I didn’t know what was going on exactly in my own relationship.
I’m a bisexual woman and have lived with my girlfriend for 12 years. Still in a relationship with her now. Now knowing that all those years I’m in an abusive relationship. Still trying to come to terms with it really. Sometimes still wondering if it’s just me as I’m a very sensitive person. I found out through my depression. Getting advice here and there to seek help for my depression and anxiety as it got worse. This is when emotional abuse was brought to the light as I talked about what things were bothering me in life. I actually feel worse now knowing what it is that really brought me down, but I have to face it now and go through it to be able to come out on the other side of the long road. I find it hard to be around my partner atm because her behaviour is so obvious to me now, but I have to hide my tears and frustrations as best I can.
How blind was I, thinking back. But how COULD I KNOW if I’m in the middle of it. There were some happy and good times to. It is like 50/50% good/bad. No wonder it was so confusing. And confusing it is still for me. And where did it go so wrong? Family and loved ones near me gave me hints time to time that her behaviour wasn’t good. I often came with excuses about her past, because I felt like only I really knew her and I understood why she is the way she is. Partly true maybe. I still wonder if she really really knows what she is doing. She definitely knows when she does me wrong, but does she KNOW exactly WHAT it is she’s doing to me.

@elfnotonashelf
I don’t have many happy memories either. Just fell head over heels for the wrong person. Set myself a goal to break up by the 10th year when times were hard, but in the end unable and maybe things were just getting bit better before getting worse again. Knowing that I’m not the only one being in a long-term damaging relationship gives some sort of unity, but it is very sad to read that so many people are in the same boat.

@bishbashbosh
I have always wanted to help my girlfriend as she has had a very hard childhood/life and not much love. I was desperate to get her the help she needs. But she was never willing, never ready. I was patient. Trying to figure out myself how to help her and to understand her behaviour. Narcissistic behaviour or just the trauma or 10 different disorders? I wasn’t a professional and soon I became the social worker, the mother. That’s how it felt. I often wondered what was wrong with myself, trying to figure that out as well. How could I be so unhappy, so sensitive, no confidence, no social life. I knew it was a very unbalanced relationship and that knowledge and the comments from the few contacts that I had left made me think if it was worth continuing this relationship.

I find that in my relationship there is a lot of blaming, ruining special moments, always anger, negativety, I have to jump to her every needs, as soon as she comes home from work I’ll have to drop everything I’m doing and I would just not get a chance to do anything I need to do or hobbies, constantly texting and calling me, stopping me from seeing certain people with all her reasons ready, always knows how to shut me up or make me do what she wants. When my family gave me too much attention or in certain situations there have been big explosions leaving me ashamed and helpless in front of my family. She knows exactly where to hurt me and my weak points. Uses those things to call me names and says ‘I’m only playing’ and promises “on our love” now and then not to do it ever again. What “love” do I think. Soon, if not minutes or hours later the promise is broken again. Always broken promises. Always very manipulative and controlling behaviour. Makes me promise “on our love” a 1001 things. I just say “sorry” and “on our love I won’t do it again” to restore the peace as soon as possible.
There are also lots of lectures and her talking seems to go on and on and on. I won’t be able to stop it and I have to look at her when she talks to me. She’ll repeat her sentences constantly. (does anyone else recognise this, or is it just a thing that my partner does) If I mention she has already said that and that it is clear, I have to listen to her because “it’s important”.
I can go on forever (like my girlfriend) but in the meantime I’ve now been reading here and there about abuse and the puzzle pieces are slowly falling into place. It’s going to be a long and difficult road, but I still have a tiny bit of hope. Personally I believe that God will give me the strength to get through this. I pray for all of you in a similar situation that He’ll guide you and pull you through. Whatever you believe in, it’s not too late. With help of others there is hope and a future. Stay strong! Thanks to organisations like Galop that offer help.