Hi Warrior93,
Thank you for posting on the LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Survivors Forum. I am really sorry to hear you have been experiencing emotional abuse. Any form of abuse can take a real toil on your mental health. You might find that the Power and Control Wheel is a useful diagram to review and consider what parts of the diagram you can relate to. It is a useful tool in articulating different forms of abuse.
It sounds like you have managed to move away from the situation and find some safety which is great, but you’ve been left to deal with the aftermath of abuse and it is showing up in in difficult emotions such as guilt and shame, which is keeping your mind ruminating and affecting your sleep. You are not alone with this as many people who have experienced domestic abuse find they deal with physical and mental challenges like ruminating thoughts and sleep deprivation. When you are struggling with these thoughts ground techniques have been found to be helpful to encourage your mind to move away from the difficult feelings. Perhaps you could try these techniques to see if they help you. I particularly like the description activity.
You talk about having complicated feelings about being in the relationship and on the one hand feeling trapped and that you had to accept everything that happened to you, and on the other feeling unsure if you wanted saving , which I am interpreting as being away from the relationship. This is true for many people because the person who harmed you is likely to have sometimes been a nice person, abuse often starts later in the relationship and is not present from day 1 and this what can contribute to having mixed feelings. You might find a peer support network called Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) useful. You can read about co-dependancy here and see if this resonates with you. There is an LGBT+ meeting on Tuesday evenings by zoom.
In terms of practical help after leaving an abusive partner, I would suggest you call our domestic abuse helpline so we can understand what kind of help may be best for you. It is a Freephone number and we are open 5 days a week 10-5pm and Thursday evening. Our number is 0800 999 5824.
You did the right thing in getting in touch.
The Helpline team
